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By SARA CONRAD
The Times-Union

We’ve all ended a relationship in the worst possible way. I mean refusing to return phone calls is borderline inhumane, right? Well, we’re going to tell you exactly how to end a relationship with unerring grace, whether your partner is angry, needy or just clueless. Heck, your ex might still want to be your friend after you give him or her the boot if you take our advice. OK, probably not. But you can at least ward off doing something you’ll regret later.

ANGRY PARTNER

Their reaction to the break: You’re with a guy that you think will err on the edge of extreme anger or enact revenge if you even slightly pull away. He is already seething when you come home late or don’t immediately return phone calls. You feel stifled, if not guilty and afraid.

Civil response: You have to pull away gently, but firmly. You want to get out of this possible cycle of breaking up and getting back together again. Also, if your partner gets angry or threatens you when you pull away, he could be borderline abusive, and you will have to take extra care to protect your safety. “Make sure you have a safety plan. Leaving is the most dangerous time in a violent relationship. Have a bag packed and know where you will go, and make sure that your partner doesn’t know that address of where you are going,” said Desiree Dadura, Lead Outreach Victim Advocate at Hubbard House. If the person is threatening, Dadura advised to file an injunction. Linda Miller-Dowie, a licensed clinical social worker in Jacksonville, said “Tell them that realistically you don’t meet their needs and that you want them to be happy. Expect them to push back and say ‘I can only be happy with you.’ Always be prepared to get a restraining order.”

Wanting to stay friends? You might end up in a making-up and breaking-up cycle, or worse, emotionally or physically hurt if you stay around this person while they are angry and vengeful. It is best to break this one off clean to protect your safety.

CLUELESS PARTNER

Their reaction to the break: You’ve told your girlfriend you don’t think it’s working out. You told her you’d like to see other people. The problem is, she’s just not getting it. She is still calling and attempting to make plans to see you when you want your space. In other words, she thinks the breakup is negotiable.

Civil response: OK, this is annoying. But remember, in communicating with someone you care about, be honest but don’t be unnecessarily hostile, said Rachel G. Baldwin, author of the e-book “Loving Simply: Eliminating Drama From Your Intimate Relationships” (www.sixwise.com). This behavior is most likely a defense mechanism created to protect her from the feelings of helplessness that come with being dumped. On the other hand, this could turn into a stalking situation. If this behavior has moved beyond annoying and is making you uncomfortable or afraid, it is time to cut off contact completely. According to Jody Morse’s article “When an Ex Won’t Accept the End of a Relationship” (www.associatedcontent.com), it is best to stop returning phone calls and e-mails (assuming you have told her directly that you do not want to be in a relationship with her). If she continues to hound you, consider changing your phone number and e-mail address and change your settings on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter to private. Again, don’t be afraid of getting a restraining order if you need help.

Wanting to stay friends? Make sure you are very clear that you want to be friends. Don’t go near any type of physical contact that might confuse her. It sends the message that you might want to get back together. You can’t have it both ways.

NEEDY PARTNER

Their reaction to the break: This person becomes desperate and depressed when you have The Talk.

Civil response: Assuming that you didn’t deliver the dumping in a cruel, degrading way, this person is probably fearful of the change. He is not necessarily expressing his emotions to make you feel guilty; he is probably truly upset. That said, it is your responsibility to leave in a civil manner so as not to further hurt him, although it is not your responsibility to make sure that he is happy by the time you leave. In other words, take responsibility for yourself first, but be kind. Offer to call sometime next week just to check in. Whatever you do, do not make fun of the person or take out your embarrassment of their emotional display by being rude. “The best way to end that is to tell them how much you appreciate who they are as a person, and if there is anything that you could do to help, you would, but you are unable to continue to the relationship and you encourage them to seek help in therapy,” said Miller-Dowie. “The most important thing is to be honest with the person. Tell them that it isn’t about them; it’s about you and where you are in your life right now. Tell them when the time is right, they will be exactly what someone will be looking for.”

Wanting to stay friends? Offer some friendly support during the next few weeks, but make sure that this person has other support and do not overstep the “friend” bounds or you will essentially have delivered the message that you want to get back together. “Make sure that you tell them that you can’t be their sole emotional support,” said Miller-Dowie.